Couldn't find any better line than this to describe my state of feeling..

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Remember when I mentioned how I was deciding to move on from 'him'?
I was no where near having-the-strength to do so..
I gradually took a step back from him, but when I was beginning to sense a change..I drag myself back to him..
It's been quite a while now..
Things have changed slowly..Still moving in an arbritary direction, but really struggling to survive..

Wherever I turn to..
They always say "just follow your heart"
The thing is, how do i move on when a part of me believe that he's the other half part of me?
but again...
how do i know that it's my heart that speaking..not my emotionally thinking only..
Why does it against my logical point of view?
Am I thinking too much?
Am I making things more complicated than what they are?

No body says it's gonna be easy..
Just praying that soon it will be over..
I'm done..I'm tired of stepping forward into a no-direction..

HOLIDAY : a break, a get away, a time off...
indeed it is..

It's a get away from all of the routines..
used: got up at 5.30am, tried to snooze my alarm, went back to sleep for another half-an-hour, took a shower, went to campus, worked on my thesis, went home, hanging out with friends..
now : get up at whenever-i-feel-like-to;p, take a shower, wait for my friends to pick me up, catch a movie/swim/hang out at sasa's place until nite..

There were times in my life when everything just seem so wrong.
no where to go, no one to turn to, nothing else to do..
People keep telling me that no matter how difficult things are, never stop looking around..
I will find something that i could hold on to..
Yuppe, true..
The main thing is daring myself to admit that I need help..
It's not an easy thing..
It's equal as exposing my vulnerability,
but then..I have to..

However, there were times when my mind was really tired..
I didn't even have the power to blink my eyes to seek help..
My eyes were shut..and that's it..
There were just me, and only me alone..
In times like that,
an unexpected encouragement came from people who i just met..
or from those came from my past..or even from movie or songs..

I have this theory for myself..
"when you have reached the bottom, then you couldn't go any deeper..that's when you will start to figure out how to climb again.."
Some people gave me a strange look and strange tone in their voices as they heard my saying..
Okay..maybe it's one way of me torturing myself *Gotta admit that it is haha*
Here is my explanation..
If I was hurt emotionally, I tend to pull myself away from my surroundings..
I need to be alone and really feel the pain..
I don't want to run..Nor to force myself to put a fake smile..
I was arguing with someone over this notion not so long ago..
Back then, I was re-haunted by the trauma of having to let go someone who i care so much..
Hurt?? Don't ask...I didn't remember that such feeling ever existed
*How could I remember how it feels to be heart broken when I haven't fallen in love for so long hahaha*
I told that person that I need sometime away..
He adviced me not to..I shouldn't spend my time alone in my room..
He offered to drive me anywhere I want, but then I said "No, thanx..All I need now is to be alone.."
I knew..i mean i know that he was only try to help me..
but I'm sure people have their own way of dealing with situation..
And yuppe, I got mad at him and told him that the conversation had to end..

Back to the issue..
So there I was, alone for a whole day..
Couldn't stop the tears from falling down..
Didn't have the power to do anything..
Didn't eat anything for a whole day, except dinner..
Things like that..
A day went by..and another day..
Until a point where I got used to the pain I felt inside..
It's like "Okay..things couldn't go any worse then this.."
That's it..
The pain hasn't gone away yet..
but I feel a huge relieve..
I don't have to laugh outside while I'm crying inside..
I don't have to pretend that I was okay, while I'm not..
I'm not being a fake..