The thing about me and my brother that can be quite bothering sometime is
the fact that people are comparing me and him..
You see, I went to the same kindergarden up until the same university..
And yet, we both landed in the same major..
Even more, these 2 semesters I ended up in the same class as him.

Everyone, even my relatives, has never stopped asking questions that to me sounded like:
"He's a finalist of Computer Olimpic, how about you? Are you as good as him?"
I can only reply with a smile and try not to think about that.
Okay, he's better than me in this computer stuff.
Everybody knows that..I don't need to be reminded of that over and over again..
And NO, I'm not jealous or what-so-ever..
I'm proud of him..I believe he's going to do really well in his future.
but for once, I just wish that people will back up and leave me alone..
Stop asking those kind of questions or trying to make a joke out of it.

At the surface it didn't bother me that much,
but deep down it really consumes me.
Maybe my decision to take my major wasn't the best decision I made,
but I'm here now..This is something I have to live with.
Deal with it people!!!
I'll prove to you that I can crawl myself out of his shadow.
That one day you won't acknowledge me as 'his sister',
but as me...Lisiani..

Some people are just bornt with that skill,
and some need to struggle to be able to stand in that position.
Some are just bornt smart, and some need to study to be smart
He's the one bornt smart, and I've been working so hard all along to keep up.

And now I'm in that point where I'm just tired of everything..
I'm tired of keep on increasing my pace, yet I can't keep up.
The best for me I think is to change my lane..

I was at this job interview this morning,
and then one of the question in the personality test was:
If you were a rose in a middle of a desert, you would:
a. change the desert into a garden, then you could grow well
b. change yourself into a cactus to be able to survive
c. die out of despair
d. still be survive as a rose, as you were a special rose

I choose D, under the following notion:
1. It is not possible to change everything into what we want it to be..I've heard a saying before that sounded somewhat like "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't, then change the way you think of it"
The world is beautiful for its diversity..

2. It is not a good idea to 'transform' myself into what ever that will fit into the environment. It was like a chameleon..
If I keep on changing like that, then I would end up having a confusion of who I really am.
Kan ga lucu juga kalo kita punya banyak identitas yang bisa berganti2 sesuai tempat kita berada..Multiple personality donk hahaha

3. Die out of despair?? Mana semangat hidup muuu....

4. It's the best idea for me..I still can be me with a special adjustment.

Gue pribadi mempunyai lingkungan pergaulan yang cukup beragam..
Beda nya itu mungkin lebih ke hobi, cara becanda, isi pembicaraan, kepribadian dari temen2 maen di satu lingkungan...Lebih ke hal2 gitu dech...
Dan apa itu berarti gue mesti ber'muka' banyak?
Kalo ke temen2 gue yang pembicaraan lebih serius, trus gue jadi si 'kutu buku'?
Trus kalo gue ke temen2 olahraga, gue jadi si 'super-aktif'?
Haha no no..terlalu melelahkan buat gue..
I'll just be me, thanx:)

Me yang kadang lemot, mellow, unstable, inconsistent hehe

Kemaren ini salah satu temen gue cerita ttg betapa dia kecewa sama sikap salah satu temen dia *which happen to be my friend too*.
I listened to her for a while, before finally she brought up a topic:
"Gue rasa gue expect too much dari dia. Tapi apa itu berarti gue mesti berhenti berharap dari orang2 di sekeliling gue? Justru karena gue menganggap dia itu temen bae gue, mangkanya gue expect a lot dari dia"
This is very interesting for me..
Dulu gue sempet bertanya hal yang sama ke diri gue.

The thing with relationship is,
the more special someone is then the more expectation we put on that person.
Let's see..
Kalo ortu ato sodara kita lupa sama ultah kita, apa iya kita ga kecewa?
Bisa jadi kita malah berpikir "Jangan2 gue ga ada makna nya di mata mereka"
Ketika sahabat kita 'lupa' buat ngabarin kabar penting ke kita..
Bisa deh mulai kepikiran macem2..

Ga bisa di deny kalo justru rasa kecewa itu besar banget ketika datang nya dari orang2 yang punya special places in our hearts.
Tapi apa itu berarti we shouldn't put any expectation to anyone?
But gue pribadi, selama it's not TOO MUCH then it's fine.
Ga mungkin kita menghindari yang namanya rasa kecewa.
Rasa kecewa itu satu paket dengan yang namanya pengharapan dan kepercayaan.
Kalo kita ga mau kecewa, minimize rasa percaya dan harapan2 kita terhadap sekeliling..
Tapi apa itu yang namanya hidup?