There were times in my life when everything just seem so wrong.
no where to go, no one to turn to, nothing else to do..
People keep telling me that no matter how difficult things are, never stop looking around..
I will find something that i could hold on to..
Yuppe, true..
The main thing is daring myself to admit that I need help..
It's not an easy thing..
It's equal as exposing my vulnerability,
but then..I have to..

However, there were times when my mind was really tired..
I didn't even have the power to blink my eyes to seek help..
My eyes were shut..and that's it..
There were just me, and only me alone..
In times like that,
an unexpected encouragement came from people who i just met..
or from those came from my past..or even from movie or songs..

I have this theory for myself..
"when you have reached the bottom, then you couldn't go any deeper..that's when you will start to figure out how to climb again.."
Some people gave me a strange look and strange tone in their voices as they heard my saying..
Okay..maybe it's one way of me torturing myself *Gotta admit that it is haha*
Here is my explanation..
If I was hurt emotionally, I tend to pull myself away from my surroundings..
I need to be alone and really feel the pain..
I don't want to run..Nor to force myself to put a fake smile..
I was arguing with someone over this notion not so long ago..
Back then, I was re-haunted by the trauma of having to let go someone who i care so much..
Hurt?? Don't ask...I didn't remember that such feeling ever existed
*How could I remember how it feels to be heart broken when I haven't fallen in love for so long hahaha*
I told that person that I need sometime away..
He adviced me not to..I shouldn't spend my time alone in my room..
He offered to drive me anywhere I want, but then I said "No, thanx..All I need now is to be alone.."
I knew..i mean i know that he was only try to help me..
but I'm sure people have their own way of dealing with situation..
And yuppe, I got mad at him and told him that the conversation had to end..

Back to the issue..
So there I was, alone for a whole day..
Couldn't stop the tears from falling down..
Didn't have the power to do anything..
Didn't eat anything for a whole day, except dinner..
Things like that..
A day went by..and another day..
Until a point where I got used to the pain I felt inside..
It's like "Okay..things couldn't go any worse then this.."
That's it..
The pain hasn't gone away yet..
but I feel a huge relieve..
I don't have to laugh outside while I'm crying inside..
I don't have to pretend that I was okay, while I'm not..
I'm not being a fake..
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Love Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Love You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Pulled Me Out Of Time
And Hung Me On A Line
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You're With Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Leave You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Help Me Sing My Song
Right Me When I'm Wrong
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

(~Falling for You by JEM~)
a short message from him
"gw mau get to know her well, didn't have a chance b4.Walau gw nga tau dia feel the sam jg nga, it's a risk, shud do it dis time b4 gw nyesel lg"

bener2 bikin gue lega banget..
gue pernah berada di posisi dia sebelon nya..
beda nya itu pikiran gue pada saat gue lagi mutusin whether i should tell him how i feel or not..

gue pernah nulis kalo dulu gue susah banget get over one of my ex-es,
hanya karena gue penasaran..
"gimana kalo dulu gue bisa jujur sama dia ttg perasaan gue"
"gimana kalo dulu gue ga gegabah ngambil keputusan"
gitu2..sampe akhirnya gue ya tetep aja penasaran sampe hampir 9 taon lama nya..

ga bae banget itu...
dan mangkanya gue lega banget dia dah bisa mutusin itu..
gue ga mau nanti nya dia penasaran sampe kapan pun..
ga bae buat dia bae juga buat his future girlfriend..
ce mana yang mau co nya itu masih menyimpan rasa penasaran sama seseorang dari masa lalu nya..ya ga..
itu juga yang kemaren gue bilank sama dia..

*fyuhhh* still in sad mode...tapi feeling much much better..dan legaaaa...
thanx banget buat yang dari kemaren subuh dah dengerin gue nangis kayak orang bodoh, nerima curhatan2 gue..keep on checking me on the phone *tenank guys...i'm not thinking suicidal koq hahaha*
gue bener2 blessed banget punya orang2 di sekeliling gue yang care banget..
lending me their hand and help me to climb the ladder again..
be patient with me, wouldn't you..
i'll get to the top again one day:)
hati gue hancur berantakan..
sebagian hati gue masih ngarepin biar jawaban itu berubah..
sebagian lagi ngeyakinin hati gue kalo itu jalan yang terbaik..
tapi satu hal yang gue tau dengan pasti..
gue belon siap buat me-reset ulang hubungan gue ama dia..
gue ga siap kalo seharian ga sms ato telp ama dia..
ga siap juga kalo misalnya nanti di kampus mulai harus biasa buat jauh2 dari dia..
gue terlalu sayang sama dia...

PS: not that i've had any boyfriend-girlfriend relation with him..
tapi emank selama ini gue deket banget sama dia..
dan ya emank gue sayang sama dia
'n he told me he feels the same..
tapi karena keadaaan yang gue rasa cuman gue 'n dia yang ngerti..