There were times in my life when everything just seem so wrong.
no where to go, no one to turn to, nothing else to do..
People keep telling me that no matter how difficult things are, never stop looking around..
I will find something that i could hold on to..
Yuppe, true..
The main thing is daring myself to admit that I need help..
It's not an easy thing..
It's equal as exposing my vulnerability,
but then..I have to..

However, there were times when my mind was really tired..
I didn't even have the power to blink my eyes to seek help..
My eyes were shut..and that's it..
There were just me, and only me alone..
In times like that,
an unexpected encouragement came from people who i just met..
or from those came from my past..or even from movie or songs..

I have this theory for myself..
"when you have reached the bottom, then you couldn't go any deeper..that's when you will start to figure out how to climb again.."
Some people gave me a strange look and strange tone in their voices as they heard my saying..
Okay..maybe it's one way of me torturing myself *Gotta admit that it is haha*
Here is my explanation..
If I was hurt emotionally, I tend to pull myself away from my surroundings..
I need to be alone and really feel the pain..
I don't want to run..Nor to force myself to put a fake smile..
I was arguing with someone over this notion not so long ago..
Back then, I was re-haunted by the trauma of having to let go someone who i care so much..
Hurt?? Don't ask...I didn't remember that such feeling ever existed
*How could I remember how it feels to be heart broken when I haven't fallen in love for so long hahaha*
I told that person that I need sometime away..
He adviced me not to..I shouldn't spend my time alone in my room..
He offered to drive me anywhere I want, but then I said "No, thanx..All I need now is to be alone.."
I knew..i mean i know that he was only try to help me..
but I'm sure people have their own way of dealing with situation..
And yuppe, I got mad at him and told him that the conversation had to end..

Back to the issue..
So there I was, alone for a whole day..
Couldn't stop the tears from falling down..
Didn't have the power to do anything..
Didn't eat anything for a whole day, except dinner..
Things like that..
A day went by..and another day..
Until a point where I got used to the pain I felt inside..
It's like "Okay..things couldn't go any worse then this.."
That's it..
The pain hasn't gone away yet..
but I feel a huge relieve..
I don't have to laugh outside while I'm crying inside..
I don't have to pretend that I was okay, while I'm not..
I'm not being a fake..