The thing about me and my brother that can be quite bothering sometime is
the fact that people are comparing me and him..
You see, I went to the same kindergarden up until the same university..
And yet, we both landed in the same major..
Even more, these 2 semesters I ended up in the same class as him.

Everyone, even my relatives, has never stopped asking questions that to me sounded like:
"He's a finalist of Computer Olimpic, how about you? Are you as good as him?"
I can only reply with a smile and try not to think about that.
Okay, he's better than me in this computer stuff.
Everybody knows that..I don't need to be reminded of that over and over again..
And NO, I'm not jealous or what-so-ever..
I'm proud of him..I believe he's going to do really well in his future.
but for once, I just wish that people will back up and leave me alone..
Stop asking those kind of questions or trying to make a joke out of it.

At the surface it didn't bother me that much,
but deep down it really consumes me.
Maybe my decision to take my major wasn't the best decision I made,
but I'm here now..This is something I have to live with.
Deal with it people!!!
I'll prove to you that I can crawl myself out of his shadow.
That one day you won't acknowledge me as 'his sister',
but as me...Lisiani..

Some people are just bornt with that skill,
and some need to struggle to be able to stand in that position.
Some are just bornt smart, and some need to study to be smart
He's the one bornt smart, and I've been working so hard all along to keep up.

And now I'm in that point where I'm just tired of everything..
I'm tired of keep on increasing my pace, yet I can't keep up.
The best for me I think is to change my lane..
I was at this job interview this morning,
and then one of the question in the personality test was:
If you were a rose in a middle of a desert, you would:
a. change the desert into a garden, then you could grow well
b. change yourself into a cactus to be able to survive
c. die out of despair
d. still be survive as a rose, as you were a special rose

I choose D, under the following notion:
1. It is not possible to change everything into what we want it to be..I've heard a saying before that sounded somewhat like "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't, then change the way you think of it"
The world is beautiful for its diversity..

2. It is not a good idea to 'transform' myself into what ever that will fit into the environment. It was like a chameleon..
If I keep on changing like that, then I would end up having a confusion of who I really am.
Kan ga lucu juga kalo kita punya banyak identitas yang bisa berganti2 sesuai tempat kita berada..Multiple personality donk hahaha

3. Die out of despair?? Mana semangat hidup muuu....

4. It's the best idea for me..I still can be me with a special adjustment.

Gue pribadi mempunyai lingkungan pergaulan yang cukup beragam..
Beda nya itu mungkin lebih ke hobi, cara becanda, isi pembicaraan, kepribadian dari temen2 maen di satu lingkungan...Lebih ke hal2 gitu dech...
Dan apa itu berarti gue mesti ber'muka' banyak?
Kalo ke temen2 gue yang pembicaraan lebih serius, trus gue jadi si 'kutu buku'?
Trus kalo gue ke temen2 olahraga, gue jadi si 'super-aktif'?
Haha no no..terlalu melelahkan buat gue..
I'll just be me, thanx:)

Me yang kadang lemot, mellow, unstable, inconsistent hehe
Kemaren ini salah satu temen gue cerita ttg betapa dia kecewa sama sikap salah satu temen dia *which happen to be my friend too*.
I listened to her for a while, before finally she brought up a topic:
"Gue rasa gue expect too much dari dia. Tapi apa itu berarti gue mesti berhenti berharap dari orang2 di sekeliling gue? Justru karena gue menganggap dia itu temen bae gue, mangkanya gue expect a lot dari dia"
This is very interesting for me..
Dulu gue sempet bertanya hal yang sama ke diri gue.

The thing with relationship is,
the more special someone is then the more expectation we put on that person.
Let's see..
Kalo ortu ato sodara kita lupa sama ultah kita, apa iya kita ga kecewa?
Bisa jadi kita malah berpikir "Jangan2 gue ga ada makna nya di mata mereka"
Ketika sahabat kita 'lupa' buat ngabarin kabar penting ke kita..
Bisa deh mulai kepikiran macem2..

Ga bisa di deny kalo justru rasa kecewa itu besar banget ketika datang nya dari orang2 yang punya special places in our hearts.
Tapi apa itu berarti we shouldn't put any expectation to anyone?
But gue pribadi, selama it's not TOO MUCH then it's fine.
Ga mungkin kita menghindari yang namanya rasa kecewa.
Rasa kecewa itu satu paket dengan yang namanya pengharapan dan kepercayaan.
Kalo kita ga mau kecewa, minimize rasa percaya dan harapan2 kita terhadap sekeliling..
Tapi apa itu yang namanya hidup?
I'm curious how do people with multi-language capabilities think?
I mean, in what language do they think?

Currently i'm actively learning France, Mandarin and Japanese.
*Additionally to Indonesian and English*

Sekarang ini kalo gue mikir, dah loncat2 bahasa..
Kadang nyampur Mandarin-Indonesia, kadang Jepang, kadang Inggris..gitu2 dech..
Dan yang bikin gue kelabakan sekarang adalah,
kalo di les France and Mandarin misalnya gue ditanya sesuatu,
otomatis di otak gue itu keluar jawaban dalam bahasa Jepang..
Kebalikannya, kalo gue lagi belajar Jepang di rumah;
yang ada interaksi dari otak gue itu dalam bahasa Mandarin ato France..

Okay..maybe I shouldn't take simultaneous course at time hahaha
Hmmm kalo Mandarin, bisa secara alami kali yach.
Dari kecil dah kebiasaan denger orang rumah ngomong.
Proses ngenalin kata2nya pun ga ngerti dech gimana haha pokoknya gue ngertii aja gitu dech..
Kalo Jepang, yaa dulu kan belajar hampir 3 taon..Nonton film Jepang juga sering.
France, baruu mulai belajar sebulan..
Jadi bisa dibilank yang skr ini bener2 gue pelajarin itu ya France
*'s not really that simultaneous*
I thought I was about to experience losing my wallet for the first time..
THANK GOD it's not happening:)
Tadi pagi ngubek2 tas..koq ga ada dompet yach..
Pas inget2, terakhir kali megang dompet itu pas Senin siang lagi beli lunch.
Berhubung tadi cepet2, ya udahh dech gue pegi aja tanpa dompet hehe
Barusan isenk telpon ke kampus buat tanya apa kemaren ada yang ketemu dompet.
Dan ternyataaa adaaaaa..
Hehe pas dia dah mulai tanya2:
"Dompet nya kayak gimana"
"Isinya apa"
*Tring* gue dah berbinar2 karena punya firasat kalo dompet nya emank ada hahahaha
I had a lot of fun today:)
Tenkiuu banget buat semuaaa....
Ada yang pagi2 dah dateng bawa2 kue..
ada yang dateng ngumpul2 pas badmin,
ada yang telpon dari kalimantan..
sms dari malay..
dering2 telpun..
sms tiada henti..
Tenkiuuu so much guysss:)
I'm feeling so much love from everyone..
Luv youu *muachhhh*
I have to admit that lately I'm beginning to lose my patient.
The only explanation I have is this:
Suddenly everything become black and white for me.
There no longer exist a place in between, where everything is relatively right or relatively wrong.
Now everything is either right or wrong..
It's just as simple as that.
My first time ever participating in a martial art class.
I was with my brother, attending an "Aikido" trial class.
Pretty embarassing, to be honest, because we're like a baby trying to walk among adults
Hahaha well, it's pretty amazing though.
So, yes I'll be joining the class regularly:)
I don't know how to best describe my current emotional status.
I'm tired..
I'm consumed..
I'm not hiding from the world.
All I need is just some time to regain my strength.