Ho ho ho...
Merry X'Mas everyone...

~Don't Save It All For X'Mas Day~
Don't get so busy that you miss
Giving just a little kiss
To the ones you love
Don't even wait a little while
To give them a little smile
A little is enough

How many people are crying
People are dying...
How many people are asking for love

Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

How could you wait another minute
A hug is warmer when you're in it
And Baby that's a fact
And saying "I love you's" always better
Seasons, reasons, they don't matter
So don't hold back
How many people in this world
So needful in this world
How many people are praying for love

Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...

Let all the children know
Everywhere that they go
Their whole life long
Let them know love

Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find a way
To give a little love everyday
Don't save it all for Christmas Day
Find your way
Cause holidays have come and gone
But love lives on
If you give on
Love...
Love...

Udah beberapa hari ini gue bangun di pagi hari dan tersenyum..
*bukan berarti gue mulai mengalami gangguan kejiwaan ato apa loh*
Kalo kata pepatah, habis gelap terbitlah terang..

Yuppe yuppe..this is it hehe
Natal dah deket, taon baru jugaa..
Sahabat2 dari melb dah pada balik di sini..
Entah mengapa, gue ngerasa lega banget juga...
Beban2 pikiran dah mulai ilank *kecuali tentu nya pikiran soal skripsi huhuhu*
Truss apa yach...
Perlahan2 gue dah bisa menata rencana2 gue buat ke depan nya..
Love is in the air..
I feel like I finally find my way back home:)

Tadi abis makan2 di ultah temen..
Truss pas lagi di mobil perjalanan pulank..
Gue ngeliat ke kursi belakang dan kursi depan..
I took a deep breathe and say
"I feel lucky.."

Gimana ga..
Mereka itu adalah orang2 yang udah menemani gue selama hampir 10 tahun..
Mereka tau perkembangan gue dari jaman2 smp dulu..
Tau hampir semua tipe rambut yang pernah gue coba,
tau kalo udah jam 10 malam biasa gue dicariin orang rumah;p,
tau hampir semua cerita2 gue selama ini..
tau what to do kalo gue lagi sedih..
tau macem2 dech...
With them I feel home..
I feel a sincere love..No need to hide the real me nor to feel afraid that they will forever hate me if i made a mistake..

Thank you so much..

Went to the cinema last nite with my parents to watch king kong..
It was great..Adrian Broody was hot..
Err..okay..I barely watched the movie hehe so there's no movie review from me this time;p
This is why...

Just before entering the cinema, all of the sudden i felt so cold..
I was thinking "okay..not a good sign"

Entering the theater, I was seated next to a boy..He's about 7-10 years old.
*it's 10.50pm already..and he's in the cinema?? With her mom sitting infront of him with his younger brother..unbelievable hehe*
I wasn't feeling any better..Instead I started having a terrible headache..
The worst part was I felt like throwing up..urrghhh

So there I was struggling not to throw up in front of everyone^^"
Couldn't bear with the cold and headache, I decided to sleep*lol*
I slouched myself and tried to find my comfort position;p
The last thing I remembered before I closed my eyes was the Kong fighting the dino..
The next thing I knew, the Kong was already in New York? hahahaha
I turnt my head to the left *to the boy* and he was looking back at me with the "you-slept-during-the-movie?" kinda look..
So embarassed, I managed to make myself stay awake for the rest of the movie, which was about 10-15 mins to end;p

Couldn't find any better line than this to describe my state of feeling..

The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm not sure who the first person was who said that. Probably Shakespeare. Or maybe Sting. But at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change.

I don't think I'm alone in this. The more I get to know other people, the more I realize it's kind of everyone's flaw. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still... It feels better somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be waiting out there. Chances are it could be even worse.

So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.

When we finally do change, I don't think it happens like an earthquake or an explosion, where all of a sudden we're like this different person. I think it's smaller than that. The kind of thing most people wouldn't even notice unless they looked at us really, really close. Which, thank God, they never do. But you notice it. Inside you that change feels like a world of difference. And you hope this is it. This is the person you get to be forever... that you'll never have to change again.

Remember when I mentioned how I was deciding to move on from 'him'?
I was no where near having-the-strength to do so..
I gradually took a step back from him, but when I was beginning to sense a change..I drag myself back to him..
It's been quite a while now..
Things have changed slowly..Still moving in an arbritary direction, but really struggling to survive..

Wherever I turn to..
They always say "just follow your heart"
The thing is, how do i move on when a part of me believe that he's the other half part of me?
but again...
how do i know that it's my heart that speaking..not my emotionally thinking only..
Why does it against my logical point of view?
Am I thinking too much?
Am I making things more complicated than what they are?

No body says it's gonna be easy..
Just praying that soon it will be over..
I'm done..I'm tired of stepping forward into a no-direction..

HOLIDAY : a break, a get away, a time off...
indeed it is..

It's a get away from all of the routines..
used: got up at 5.30am, tried to snooze my alarm, went back to sleep for another half-an-hour, took a shower, went to campus, worked on my thesis, went home, hanging out with friends..
now : get up at whenever-i-feel-like-to;p, take a shower, wait for my friends to pick me up, catch a movie/swim/hang out at sasa's place until nite..

There were times in my life when everything just seem so wrong.
no where to go, no one to turn to, nothing else to do..
People keep telling me that no matter how difficult things are, never stop looking around..
I will find something that i could hold on to..
Yuppe, true..
The main thing is daring myself to admit that I need help..
It's not an easy thing..
It's equal as exposing my vulnerability,
but then..I have to..

However, there were times when my mind was really tired..
I didn't even have the power to blink my eyes to seek help..
My eyes were shut..and that's it..
There were just me, and only me alone..
In times like that,
an unexpected encouragement came from people who i just met..
or from those came from my past..or even from movie or songs..

I have this theory for myself..
"when you have reached the bottom, then you couldn't go any deeper..that's when you will start to figure out how to climb again.."
Some people gave me a strange look and strange tone in their voices as they heard my saying..
Okay..maybe it's one way of me torturing myself *Gotta admit that it is haha*
Here is my explanation..
If I was hurt emotionally, I tend to pull myself away from my surroundings..
I need to be alone and really feel the pain..
I don't want to run..Nor to force myself to put a fake smile..
I was arguing with someone over this notion not so long ago..
Back then, I was re-haunted by the trauma of having to let go someone who i care so much..
Hurt?? Don't ask...I didn't remember that such feeling ever existed
*How could I remember how it feels to be heart broken when I haven't fallen in love for so long hahaha*
I told that person that I need sometime away..
He adviced me not to..I shouldn't spend my time alone in my room..
He offered to drive me anywhere I want, but then I said "No, thanx..All I need now is to be alone.."
I knew..i mean i know that he was only try to help me..
but I'm sure people have their own way of dealing with situation..
And yuppe, I got mad at him and told him that the conversation had to end..

Back to the issue..
So there I was, alone for a whole day..
Couldn't stop the tears from falling down..
Didn't have the power to do anything..
Didn't eat anything for a whole day, except dinner..
Things like that..
A day went by..and another day..
Until a point where I got used to the pain I felt inside..
It's like "Okay..things couldn't go any worse then this.."
That's it..
The pain hasn't gone away yet..
but I feel a huge relieve..
I don't have to laugh outside while I'm crying inside..
I don't have to pretend that I was okay, while I'm not..
I'm not being a fake..

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Love Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Love You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Pulled Me Out Of Time
And Hung Me On A Line
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe I'm A Lonely Girl
Who's In The Middle Of Something
That She Doesn't Really Understand

Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand

Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You're With Me All The Time
Maybe I'm Afraid Of The Way I Leave You
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way You Help Me Sing My Song
Right Me When I'm Wrong
Maybe I'm Amazed At The Way I Really Need You

(~Falling for You by JEM~)

a short message from him
"gw mau get to know her well, didn't have a chance b4.Walau gw nga tau dia feel the sam jg nga, it's a risk, shud do it dis time b4 gw nyesel lg"

bener2 bikin gue lega banget..
gue pernah berada di posisi dia sebelon nya..
beda nya itu pikiran gue pada saat gue lagi mutusin whether i should tell him how i feel or not..

gue pernah nulis kalo dulu gue susah banget get over one of my ex-es,
hanya karena gue penasaran..
"gimana kalo dulu gue bisa jujur sama dia ttg perasaan gue"
"gimana kalo dulu gue ga gegabah ngambil keputusan"
gitu2..sampe akhirnya gue ya tetep aja penasaran sampe hampir 9 taon lama nya..

ga bae banget itu...
dan mangkanya gue lega banget dia dah bisa mutusin itu..
gue ga mau nanti nya dia penasaran sampe kapan pun..
ga bae buat dia nya..ga bae juga buat his future girlfriend..
ce mana yang mau co nya itu masih menyimpan rasa penasaran sama seseorang dari masa lalu nya..ya ga..
itu juga yang kemaren gue bilank sama dia..

*fyuhhh* still in sad mode...tapi feeling much much better..dan legaaaa...
thanx banget buat yang dari kemaren subuh dah dengerin gue nangis kayak orang bodoh, nerima curhatan2 gue..keep on checking me on the phone *tenank guys...i'm not thinking suicidal koq hahaha*
gue bener2 blessed banget punya orang2 di sekeliling gue yang care banget..
lending me their hand and help me to climb the ladder again..
be patient with me, wouldn't you..
i'll get to the top again one day:)

hati gue hancur berantakan..
sebagian hati gue masih ngarepin biar jawaban itu berubah..
sebagian lagi ngeyakinin hati gue kalo itu jalan yang terbaik..
tapi satu hal yang gue tau dengan pasti..
gue belon siap buat me-reset ulang hubungan gue ama dia..
gue ga siap kalo seharian ga sms ato telp ama dia..
ga siap juga kalo misalnya nanti di kampus mulai harus biasa buat jauh2 dari dia..
gue terlalu sayang sama dia...

PS: not that i've had any boyfriend-girlfriend relation with him..
tapi emank selama ini gue deket banget sama dia..
dan ya emank gue sayang sama dia
'n he told me he feels the same..
tapi karena keadaaan yang gue rasa cuman gue 'n dia yang ngerti..

a recent conversation with my friend over the phone..

ME: "I don't mean to judge your feeling, but do you think that this thing you've had for her is real?"
HIM: "What do you mean by that?"
ME: "Okay..why do you like her?"
HIM: "Well, let's see..I like her for her***** " (he provided me with a pretty long list)..
ME: "If suddenly some other girl came and could give you all the things you mentioned..or even more, will you also like her?"
HIM: *thinking for a while* "Maybe..."

--jump to another question yet still discussing the same girl with him--
ME: "Just my curiosity, why are you still going after her? Speaking as your friend and standing in my point of view, I think she's playing around with you. Everything you did for her was seemed to be wrong.."
HIM: "Yess, you're right..I can't seem to put the right things for her..but what can i do? She's really fit into my type of girl..It is rare to meet someone who can understand your thinking"

That was just a very small part of the conversation between us..
The question I've asked myself for these last couple of hours are:
~ Do we need reasons to fall in love with someone?
I've read it somewhere that the reasons why you love someone will be the same reasons why you decided to stop loving someone..
The analogy was like this..
"I like him because I think he's nice"
And so?
If he shows the other side of him that wasn't so nice, would you stop loving him?
"I love him because he makes me comfortable"
If there is someone else who can offer you that comfort..would you love him also?

I think love is just inexplicable..
No one knows where it came from..
It just came out of no where..
It beyonds our control..
so i personally believe that we shouldn't making reasons why we love someone..

You love your family just the way they are, right..
No matter how nice other people to you..still their place is irreplacable..
That's pure love...
Is there such thing as pure love in this world aside from that?
Who knows huh hahaha
I guess we'll just never know..
Cheers...

(Thanx to Mr. HIM, whose name will be kept secret)

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been tryin to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
am i the only one to notice
I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please
if you're not like this and that
You're gonna have to leave

I came from the mountains
the crust of creation
My whole situation made from clay and stone
and now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I've peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I DONT WANT TO BE...
I DONT WANT TO BE...
I DONT WANT TO BE.... ANYTHING OTHER THAN..

This song really depict me hahahhaa
found this song by accident the other day as i browse through my PC..

---

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defences, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow

I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I found your finger prints on a glass of wine
Do you know your leaving them all over this heart of mine too
If I never take this leap of faith I'll never know
So I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow

Anyone who, can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you
Anyone who, can reach you, can love you, or leave you

~ Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily ~

okay..for you who don't watch rockstar inxs probably won't understand what i'm talking about hehe
rockstar inxs..yuppe sort of a reality show in a search for the new lead singer for the band.
Quite interesting...Armand Maulana took the audition also *if i'm not mistaken*.
Eniwei..there's this contestant named Suzie McNeil.
She is a real fighter..Thumbs up for her..
Eversince i watched that show, which is about a month ago, she was always in the bottom three position..
Nevertheless, she kept trying to do her best in the stage..
And guess what..she's on the top..
I guess this is one of the good example for not giving up!!
Fighting for the right thing and with the right way hehehe..
Jadi mumbling ga jelas gini..
eniweii..gotta go to bed now...

yuppe..technically holiday is over..
mulai besok *berhubung kelas hari ini belon ada*,
dah punya rutinitas tetap lagi..
senin kelas jam 15.30 - 17.30
selasa kelas jam 7.30 - 12.30
kamis lab jam 13.00 - 15.00

tapi yang gue rasain sekarang, liburan masih panjang....
sama sekali ga kerasa kalo dah dalam status "ga liburan lagi".
bisa jadi karena jadwal kul skr yang mendadak jadi sepi banget..
bayangin aja seminggu cuman 2 hari belajar di kampus..well tambahan satu hari lagi ngajar adi lab..
sisanya bakal diisi dengan skripsi *yang sampe skr topik nya masih undetermined;p*

temen2 yang laen juga rata2 dah sibuk dengan skripsi nya..
rata2 menargetkan selesai dalam 6 bulan ini, jadi semester 8 nanti tinggal diisi sama 2 mata kul sisa.. *jiaa yoo semuaa...*

buat gue, perubahan yang ini cukup bikin kaget..
kalo dulu setiap liburan mau kelar,
gue selalu ngerasa kalo gue bakal balik ke kondisi yang sama sebelon gue libur..
bingung yach?
Hehe gue ngerasa kalo nanti gue mulai masuk kul lagi, nothing will change..
yang berubah itu cuman list pelajaran gue doank.
tapi ga begitu buat liburan kali ini..
di tengah2 liburan yang baru berjalan hampir sebulan,
gue dah bilank ke dd gue and beberapa temen gue..
"gue ngerasa liburan kali ini beda loh..nanti kalo kita dah masuk pun, pasti semua bakal beda"

perbedaan yang palink nyata itu, kalo semester lalu kita ber-32 disumpek2in ke dalam satu kelas yang sama..
kalo nanti ini, kita masing2 dah kepecah..
ada yang masuk Software Engineering, ada yang ke Networking..
ada juga yang di Multimedia..
Kita2 nanti bakal ketemu sekelas sama orang2 baru..
Kalo dulu di kelas gue hang out bareng nye2 nopi lina..
Sekarang harus minus nopi..gara2 jadwal Networking beda sendiri..
i kinda miss last year's holiday..

jujur..gue belon siap buat menjalani tanggung jawab gue sebagai orang yang dicap "dah mau lulus"..
semakin ke sini..semakin gue bisa ngeliat realita dari kehidupan..
yang lemah ditindas yang kuat,
yang kaya semakin kaya..yang miskin semakin miskin..
gue dituntut buat bisa ambil sikap..
ga ada lagi yang namanya berbuat baik ke semua orang,
karena kenyataan nya banyak orang yang sering manfaatin niat bae kita..

ya intinya sich..
gue sekarang lagi mencoba beradaptasi dengan keadaan yang baru..
i'll see you soon my friends:)

my deepest condolences for those whose family members are listed as the victim of Mandala Air airplane that crashed this morning..

the question that's been haunting me all along is..
"is it decent for us to keep in touch with our ex-es?"
for the sake of our attempt to get over him/her..
it's definitelly best for us not to stay in touch *in any form* with them..
*referring to irine's topic in her blog few weeks ago*..

given that they have already moved on and have another person in their lives..
can you imagine how their new girlfriends/boyfriends will feel if they found out that their love one still stay in touch with their ex-es?

urrghh is it that complicated..or it's just me who's making things complex..

Lagi termenung di kantor..bingung juga belon bisa mulai kerjaan..
Lagi coba2 dl..Ehhhh tanpa disangka2 *benernya sedikit berharap sich* hehe speed download nya cepet bangetttttttttttttttttt...
Liat aja di sebelah..Yaa well hahaha gue bisa bilank cepet soalnyaa di rumah kan ga pernah gue ngeliat yang namanya speed dl sampe menembus angka puluhan gitu;p
Sekarang tinggal gue bingung gimana bawa pulank tuh file2..
Soalnya colokan usb di kompie gue ga bener dann kalo mau dipindah ke local server..hihi takut ketauan;p

Gue pernah denger orang bilank
If you want to feel lucky, just count all the things you have that money can't buy..
Inti dari perkataan itu sich, biar kita tetep stay positive no matter how difficult the situation is..

Kalo menurut gue, stay positive itu :
Kalo kita lagi patah hati 'n mikir "I'm lucky to have my family and friends to pull my hands out of this misery"
Kalo lagi ngalamin suatu kegagalan "Kegagalan itu suatu pelajaran berarti..Meskipun skr gue sakit, tapi banyak banget yang gue petik..Kalo orang ga pernah jato, dia ga pernah belajar untuk berdiri.."
Hal2 kayak gitu yang biasanya jadi awal yang bae buat keluar dari perasaan sedih, kecewa, sakit..

Buat semua di luar sana yang lagi ngalamin masa2 sulit..
Hang in there yach..Don't give up just yet..
Don't try to be strong and convince yourself that you're okay..that you can face it all by yourself..
When you are weak..admit that you are weak..
When you're not okay, try to acknowledge what broke you down..
Pretending that it's all okay is the same as band-aid-ing your wound without healing it first..One day it's gonna bleed again and it might be worse than before..

When matters are desperate we must put on a desperate face.
Robert Burn

We're not meant to be alone..
Even if we feel that no one or nothing came along to ease our pain,
we are not alone..
GOD does work mysteriously..
You'll just never know what or who you'll meet along the way to bring you out of that misery..

CHOCOLATE DREAM WORLD SEMANGGI EXPO Hall B 25-27 Agustus 2005.
HTM Rp 20.000 (berlaku u/ 3 hari) Bisa icip2 cokelat gratis lho krn di sana ada:
- Air Mancur COKELAT. Bisa nyelup cookies/crackers (ntar dikasih) ke air mancur cokelat!
- Istana dari COKELAT.
- Ngelukis badan pake cokelat.
- Cokelat Fashion Show (bajunya dari coklat murni).
- Pahatan/patung dari cokelat.
- Demo masak cokelat dari Chef Professional.
- Talk Show yg berkaitan dgn cokelat Klo berniat bikin cokelat,
ada jg yg jual peralatan & bahan2nya di Chocolate Dream World ini.
Pokoknya, yg ngaku Chocolatelover ato Chocoholic wajib dtg!

Hehe itu gue dapet dari mail kantor gue..
Kemaren ini sempet baca juga iklan nya di koran gitu..
Yukkk pegii...Hehehehe

Kayaknya sich ini dah lama yach ehehe
tapi gue baru dapet dari mail kantor gitu..
Ini tentang ramalan *bukan ramalan juga sich* tentang kinerja kerja kita kalo diliat dari zodiak..
Well gue ga tau dech yang laen gimana,
tapi kalo buat gue..ini pas banget loh hahaha
btw, kalo mau liat yang buat zodiak2 laen,
dah gue upload di sini loh

---

PEGAWAI ARIES

Pegawai Aries adalah pemecah masalah yang baik. Mereka cenderung ingin berada di lapangan dan menangani berbagai bidang pekerjaan dan memperbaiki berbagai permasalahan. Mereka tidak akan senang bekerja di belakang meja dalam jadwal penuh mulai jam 9 sampai jam 5 sore.

Pegawai Aries yang kebosanan, yang dipaksa untuk tetap fokus dalam suatu lubang kecil akan cenderung resah, uring-uringan, dan ceroboh. Gaji sebesar apapun tidak akan mampu membujuk mereka untuk tetap bekerja dalam jadwal rutin. Uang, ternyata, bukanlah alasan mengapa mereka mau bekerja.

Mereka tidak ingin dibayar dengan gaji tinggi dan mereka bukanlah orang yang butuh status tinggi untuk memuaskan kecenderungan kompetitif mereka, tetapi yang lebih penting adalah, mereka akan sangat bahagia untuk menerima tantangan proyek baru. Secara tipikal, mereka adalah orang yang memiliki perasaan tanggung jawab tinggi dan membutuhkan perasaan bahwa mereka dibutuhkan.

Dan sebagai gantinya, mereka akan memberikan semua usaha mereka dan akan menunjukkan unjuk kerja yang detil dan konsisten. Mereka akan benar-benar bekerja sampai mereka kecapaian untuk membuktikan kemampuan mereka. Jika rekan kerja anda seorang Aries, maka sebaiknya anda memberi mereka kesempatan untuk bekerja secara mandiri demi menjaga agar
mereka tetap produktif dan bahagia. Anda bisa juga membiarkan mereka membantu anda.

Haha..ok ok coba kita liat..
Ga tahan kerja di belakang meja jam 9-5.. Iya bangettttttt
Uang bukan alasan bekerja..Hahaha liat aja post2 lalu gue ttg hal ini
bukan orang yang butuh status tinggi..Ckck koq ngertiin gue banget
Yaaa gitu dech..Hal2 yang ditulis di zodiak itu bener2 ngewakilin gue banget..
Termasuk dalam soal uring2an..ceroboh dkk itu;p

Gimana denagn loe orang punya??

Dulu ada yang nanya
"Perasaan palink ga enak menurut loe itu apa?"
Jawaban gue dulu adalah
"Perasaan kalo gue itu sendirian..Tau kan? Waktu2 di mana meskipun sekeliling kita itu rame banget, tapi tetep aja kita ngerasa sendiri. Segimana pun kita tertawa dan tersenyum..seolah menikmati semua obrolan dan kejadian yang tengah berlangsung..tapi di dalam itu kita menangis..Nahh ya itu dech yang palink ga enak"

Kalau orang itu sekarang bertanya lagi ke gue,
di saat sekarang ini gue akan merubah jawaban gue..
"Palink ga enak itu yang namanya perasaan menyesal..
Menyesal akan semua hal yang udah kita lakukan,
semua hal yang kita harap kita lakukan..
Nyeselin perkataan2 yang terlontar dari mulut kita,
ato malah nyesel gara2 ga bilank sesuatu yang seharusnya kita ucapkan..
Yang pasti nyesel itu ga pernah ada enak2 nya..
Di pikiran selalu ada yang satu kalimat tanya what if..
Pasti pengen banget ngulang waktu dan perbaikin kesalahan.."

Kalo kata orang..dan gue setuju banget..
Semua hal yang pernah atau tidak pernah kita lakukan,
semua perkataan yang kita ucapkan maupun tidak kita ucapkan..
setiap jalan dan langkah yang kita tempuh..kita hindari..
Itu semua yang menjadikan kita adalah kita di saat sekarang ini..
Seandainya *see..betapa banyak nya perandaian yang gue punya haha* kita buat keputusan satu aja yang beda di masa2 lalu,
belon tentu kita skr ada di titik di mana kita berdiri ini..

Yuppe emank bener banget..
Misalnya dulu gue waktu mau masuk SMU, gue jadi masuk ke Santa Ursula..
Belon tentu gue bakal tetep deket ama temen2 lama macem vivi, tin, ririn, vitta, joe, ika, tin2, lensis, kakek, kumala, kiki, yudi, udy, bule dkk dkk..
Belon tentu juga gue bakal ended up masuk ke jurusan komputer..
Berarti belon tentu juga gue bisa kenal ama nopi, nye2, lala, rina, sasa, lina, irine, dhita, hasinah, mutia, erlina, virgin, tommy, edwin, puja, io, pops, kurni, makoto, coro, devin, dean..dan masih banyak lagiiiiiii...
Masih banyak dech belon tentu yang laennya..

Tapi gimana pun juga..
Pasti penyesalan pernah hinggap di kita..
Itu adalah salah satu hal yang ga bisa dihindarin..
Cara yang palink bae itu yachh gimana kita bisa keluar dari kerangkeng rasa sesal itu,
dan nyoba buat memperbaiki keadaan..

Inti dari post gue kali ini sich benernya hehe
baru2 ini gue ngalamin satu penyesalan yang uuhmm sempet bikin hidup gue rada berantakan untuk beberapa saat;p
Itu salah satu dari 3 penyesalan terbesar gue selama ini..
Buat keluar dari rasa sesal itu sich, gue masih berusaha hehe
sekarang lagi dalam masa merangkak tapi nya..
Dann kalau buat memperbaiki keadaan..
Things ga bakal balik ke keadaan sebelonnya *ini gue tau*..
tapi kayaknya sich skr dah mulai sedikit membaik dech..
Penyesalan gue ini melibatkan seseorang di luar sana..
Hehe jadi seandai nya dia baca tulisan gue ini..
Gue cuman mau bilank sekali lagii kalo gue nyesel banget..sorry 'n hope we can work things out:)

Buat orang2 yang selama ini udah dengerin keluh kesah gue 'n nasehatin gue..
Suatu saat nanti pasti gue bisa ngambil hikmah dari semua kejadian ini hehe
Jadi yachh for the mean time,
stick with me yach guyss..
Really appreciate everything you've done:):)

Tadi pagi pas lagi nunggu busway, ada bagi2 koran baru gratis gitu..
Namanya Jakarta Free Koran Gratis Favourite 'Commuters'
Nahh di dalemnya gue ketemu beberapa artikel yang cukup menarik..
Hehe berhubung skr lagi dikit nganggur di kantor..
Jadi gue bagi2 info dech hehe itung2 promosiin tuh koran;p

Perokok Ternyata Lebih Cepat Pikun
Sebuah penelitian di Inggris menemukan bahwa seorang perokok, akan mengalami masalah ingatan pada uis pertengahan.

Mulai pada awal usia 40 hingga 50 tahun, periokok akan mengalami penurunan daya ingat secara cepat, dibandingkan dengan bukan perokok.

Penelitian yang dipublikasikan dalam American Journal of Public Helath menunjukkan hubungan yang antara rokok dan pikun tampak lebih kuat pada orang yang merokok lebih dari 20 batang setiap harinya.

Dr. Marcus Richards mengatakan penyebab rokok mempercepat hilangnya daya ingat masih belum jelas.

Alternatif lainnya, bahan kimia dalam rokok sigaret juga bisa merusak otak secara langsung. (dari berbagai sumber/dgo)


Susu Hindarkan Kanker Usus
Perbanyaklah minum susu. Karena selain menyehatkan susu juga mampu mengurangi resiko terkena kanker usus. Demikian disampaikan oleh Dr Eunyoung Cho yang meneliti keuntungan mengkonsumsi susu. Analisa dari 10 studi menunjukkan 16 ons susu sehari bisa mengurangi ancaman kanker usus sampei 12%.

Para peneliti dari 'Brigham and Women's Hospital' menemukan bahwa 16 ons susu sehari mampu mengurangi resiko terkena kanker usus sampai 12%. Hasil itu merupakan analisa dari 10 studi sebelumnya yangt erdiri dari 500 000 orang di mana sekitar 5000 diantaranya kemudian positif mengidap kanker usus. Hasil penelitian Dr Eunyong Cho dipublikasikan oleh The Journal of the National Cancer Institute.

Kanker usus merupakan penyakit ketiga yang menjadi penyebab kematian di seluruh dunia. Penelitian sebelumnya dengan menggunakan binatang sebagai percobaam, kandungan kalsium yang banyak terdapat pada susu mampu melindungi usus dari serangan kanker. Studi pada manusia juga menunjukan keseluruhan jumlah kalsium yang dikonsumsi sangat positif dalam mengurangi tingkat dari resiko kanker usus ini. (dari berbagai sumber/dgo)

---

Yang gue bingung yach...pas gue lagi browsing di Journal of the National Cancer itu..trus gue ketemu juga artikel yang judulnya "Intake of Dairy Products, Calcium, and Vitamin D and Risk of Breast Cancer ".

Kalimat pertama Introduction nya, dia state:
"...Milk and dairy products have been suspected to increase the risk of breast cancer..."

Haha ya spontan gue kaget donk..Kenapa kontradiktif sekalii..

Tapi trus di bawah2nya ada tulisan:
" few epidemiologic studies have reported a statistically significant inverse association between calcium intake and breast cancer , while others reported no association. However, intake of calcium and dairy foods are strongly correlated, so the observed associations with calcium are difficult to separate from those with milk, dairy products and, consequently, other components of milk and dairy products. To our knowledge, there is no epidemiologic study of dietary vitamin D and breast cancer. "

I was having this conversation with my old friend about how we have come to a point where every thing around us seem so static..
then i showed her a reading from irine's blog..
Are we really in that kind of crisis??

...start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like
that's true..the more I stand on my own trying to live my life, the more i realize that:
1. there are things i thought i loved but at the end it was just a result of the urge from people around me..an urge for me to love something in this life. Fool me for that..
2. there are things i tried so hard to forget or to convince myself that they weren't for me, and now i cannot hold back anymore..

...because you barely know where you are now.
exactly what i've been through this last month. Having a turn over in my principles and my point of view..it has grown that kind of feeling when you look around and you realize that you don't recognize anything..You're lost...

...friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
we've all been through this one, right..

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing
Not exactly like that..but everytime i look at my job, i go back to the first point above..

or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.
Who doesn't scare? All the calculation of how long will I have to work before I even afford to buy my own house, or to pay my bills..*ini pikiran seorang ce..gimana kalo co yach...*

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.
I couldn't find any better way to describe this point..

...Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.
Haha reflecting on my previous posts..It's true..I hate changes..It makes me feel insecure..As quoted from Everwood:

The more things change, the more they stay the same....at the moment, it's the sentence that best explains my tragic flaw: my inability to change. Staying exactly the same for as long as possible, standing perfectly still.It feels safer somehow. And if you are suffering, at least the pain is familiar. Because if you took that leap of faith, went outside the box, did something unexpected... Who knows what other pain might be out there, waiting for you. Chances are it could be even worse. So you maintain the status quo. Choose the road already traveled and it doesn't seem that bad. Not as far as flaws go. You're not a drug addict. You're not killing anyone... Except maybe yourself a little.
--Ephram, "Everwood: My Brother's Keeper"

Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.
Err..

Unbelievable..
Anyway, i'm still @d'office..
Working late as every other Friday *except for last week*

Hari ini ga seperti hari2 yang biasa nya gue lewati selama sebulan belakangan ini..
Kalo biasa gue cuman drop dd gue ke tempat Probo..
ato gue yang di drop dia ke BEJ,
hari inii dia ikut gue sampe ke kampus.
Ceritanya, dia bakal kasih 'seminar' kecil ttg .NET di Universitas Budi Luhur.
Jadi dia ijin kantor dan rencananya naek bus dari seberang RaPlaz (dibaca:Ratu Plaza);p

Karena tujuan kita sama..ke depan RaPlaz..
Jadi kita jalan dech berdua.
Senang aja rasanya..Biasanya kalo pagi2 gue jalan sendirian ke sana.
Tadi ada yang temenin..bisa gue ajak ngobrol 'n becanda2 pula..

Tiba di atas jembatan busway..di pertigaannya..
Ke kanan untuk naik busway..lurus ke depan untuk ke seberang RaPlaz..
"Daaa Feiii..Ati2 di jalan"
Luv you broo..
See ya @home:):)

After reading a post in friendster bulletion board and take some time to think..
I realize there are so many things I have never tried or done until today..
Hehe i'm going to list down number of things..
I've never tried some of them..Some I have..
It's for you to decide, which I have experienced..and which I haven't;p

1. I've never watched blue films
2. I've never cheated on a test
3. I've never drunk alcohol
4. I've never used illegal drugs
5. I've never get a ticket from the police
6. I've never been kissed
7. I've never dated someone younger than me
8. I've never dated someone older than me
9. I've never cheated on my boyfried
10. I've never cooked
11. I've never had a spa
12. I've never donated my blood
13. I've never skip classes on unnecessary cause (go to cinema, shopping, lazy, etc)
14. I've never kissed anyone other than my family
15. I've never paid my bill
16. I've never had a job
17. I've never bungee jumping my entire life
18. I've never had an mri*
19. I've never broken my bones
20. I've never passed out
21. I've never had my nose bleed
22. I've never riden a horse
23. I've never let a boy enter my room
24. I've never fought with someone (physically)
25. I've never used public transportation
26. I've never ran away from home
27. I've never had an accident before
28. I've never won any awards
29. I've never installed my computer on my own
30. I've never been to traditional market
31. I've never made someone cry
32. I've never fought with my parents
33. I've never dialed a wrong number
34. I've never walked in my sleep
35. I've never tripped my self in public
36. I've never cried in public
37. I've never had a disciplinary action throughout my academic years
38. I've never grabbed a stranger's hand
39. I've never been late on a promise
40. I've never stayed up all night long
41. I've never made up excuses to avoid something or someone
42. I've never won any price my entire life
43. I've never had a one-night-stand
44. I've never been on a concert
45. I've never taken my picture using my mobile phone
46. I've never involved myself in something illegal
47. I've never seen a naked person for real (not in tv or magazine)
48. I've never had an imaginary friend
49. I've never had a threesome
50. I've never introduced a guy as my boyfriend to my family

* Magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) is a painless diagnostic tool which uses a magnetic field and radio waves to see inside the body without using x-rays or surgery; a computer then interprets the radio waves and creates a picture of the internal body tissues.

Hehe which have I experienced?
Well there are 21 TRUE statements above..
As for which..i'm not gonna spoiled it here;p

Semakin aku melaju ke depan,
semakin aku menatap ke belakang
menyesali apa yang telah aku lewati..
Kalau begitu,
sampai kapankah aku akan terus merasakan penyesalan?
Sampai ujung jalan ku nanti?

I'm not good at getting over my past..
Kalo kata orang
You'll never know what you got till you lost it
Yuppe, emank itu bener banget..
Dari dulu, gue terlalu sering menatap ke belakang..
Pernah ada yang bilank kalo gue itu ga hidup di masa sekarang..
Gue terlalu sibuk menata ulang apa yang udah lewat,
dan tau2 masa sekarang udah menjadi masa lalu..
Itu dah kayak suatu cycle yang selama ini gue lakukan.

See, itu dia kenapa gue mempertanyakan..
sampai kapan gue harus terus merasa menyesal
Kalau begini caranya, gue bakal spend the rest of mylife berusaha menghidupkan kembali masa lalu gue..
Ain't it right?

I'm not saying that I should just leave behind my past..
Tapi sesuatu yang terlalu berlebih itu memang tidak pernah baik ada nya hehe
I am now declaring myself
to try to look forward to the future..
To reduce wasting my time in regreting what I should have done or what I should have said..

Uuhmm satu persatu dulu yach tapi nya..
Sekarang untuk menutup lembaran cinta *loh haha* gue yang udah lewat..
Gue cuman pengen bilank sesuatu ke seseorang di luar sana,

Tidakkah menurutmu itu hal yang menyedihkan,
jika dua orang manusia yang berbagi satu rasa yang sama
dipisahkan oleh keegosian mereka2 yang cemburu?
Tapi sudahlah..
Percayakah kau akan nasib?
Kalau kita memang seharusnya menjadi satu pasang,
mengapa semua jalan yang kita tempuh menjadi jalan buntu?
Biarlah sekarang kita menempuh jalan kita masing2.
Mungkin di tengah jalan nanti akan ada tangan lain yang mampu menuntun kita..
Menuntun entah ke satu persimpangan tempat pertemuan kita nanti..
ataukah menuntun ke satu tempat indah yang selama ini kita bayangkan.
Thanx for being one of the most important person in my life..

it's sunday morning around 6am..
already awoke *which is unusual for me* ;p
what do i miss so much about sunday?
spending time @ home
hehe haven't had a chance to spend time @ home since the internship started..
so here i am, spoiled myself try not to think about anything else but myself haha

some people spend their lives hoping for something to happen that will change everything..
they look for power or love,
or the answers to their biggest questions..
i think really what they're looking for is another chance,
some way to lead another life where all the mistakes they've made will be erased and they could just start over
~Taken episode 5~

I asked myself:
"Aren't we all?"

*Taking a deep breathe.....*It's all been done:)

Seminggu ini penuh dengan scene:duduk depan laptop, ngomong2 sendiri ga jelas..coding java..Haha ga mau lagiiiii...Yaa meskipun sekarang ini gue dah mulai ngerti kalo disuruh bikin2 coding gitu,tapi still gitu..seminggu full of coding haha sekarang kalo ngeliat coding java itu rasanya dah blank;p

Eniwei, mau say hi buat pengunjung baru di blog gue..C.Q. yang udah ngasih coment2 secara langsung ttg isi blog ini heheBerhubung ini udah LIBUR..Jadi seharusnya banyak yang akan gue ceritakan di sini.Ok dech..skr mau kumpul CV dulu bentar.Abis itu pulank 'n nyari orang yang mau temenin nonton Mr. and Mrs. Smith heheAda yang berminat???;pSee ya tonite all..

STARTING A HOLIDAY
I finally be able to step back from the exhausting schedule for the last few months..
Abandoning this blog..well it's not planned, but it's somewhat still under my consious..
A lot of things have happened..
Don't even know where to begin hehe
Okay, let's see..

Final exam is finally over *well technically i still have a CB4 take home final exam that's due tomorrow*
Exam time but we're not worying about the exam, are we?
Hehe instead, we had 2 more projects left to do..

Last Friday, I finally came to the limit of pushing myself.
After two days with only sleeping for a total of 7 hours, my body finally broke down;p
I had this heavy headache
Not to mention how I nearly threw up everytime I smell foods.
Eventually, it took a 7-hour-sleep and another 6-hour-chat to fully recover hehe

On Saturday, I bribed my bro to go with me to Mangga Dua hehe;p
Well I guess he's just in the mood to go anyway,
because it only took me 5 minutes to convince him to go with me haha
I tried so hard to keep my self busy that day..
I couldn't stand thinking how I'm going to miss someone so much.
and there that person went..on 9pm that day, I began to feel tortured inside *urghh*
I guess I was just afraid that the person who I miss so much, doesn't feel the same as I do..
*What an ego huh* haha

And then came Today..
I ate a lot..I sleep a lot..
I laugh a lot..I'm on the phone for a long time also..
Lots of fun, but at the end of the day, i still feel horrible haha
I guess the first 24-hour is the hardest part huh..
I still can't imagine what it feels like to love someone
and survive the long distance relationship..
I mean..look at me..
Technically, that person is a "Noone" for me and vice versa..
We're close..sometimes too close I guess, but then that's it.
Yet, I miss that person haha

-24 hours survival kit for those who misses someone-
1. tons of foods
2. lots of credits on your mobile phone
3. cool siblings who will accompany you to do silly things
4. friends who keep you busy all the time
5. bunch of dvds
6. a CB4 take home exam study case *lol*
7. multimedia system project
8. a holiday to plan with your pals
9. a phone nearby that keeps on ringing

*sigh*
well at least that's what i need to survive this first 24 hours..
Things are moving so fast, and suddenly here i am..
sitting in front of my computer and be proud of myself
for not sending any sms today haha
*well apart from not having any credit left, i just lose the impulse to even look at my mobile phone*

I'd better stop now..
Let's just see what distance brought huh..
Because some people say that distance sometimes bring clear vision..
Have a nice HOLIDAY people..:)
See you in a short time hehe

pengembara cinta
Jangan kau tanyakan
perasaan seorang pecinta
yang sedang merindu.

Jantung serasa berhenti berdenyut..
Bumi seakan menghentikan rotasi nya..
Tak dapat lagi dirasa
perbedaan detik..menit..jam..

Sesuatu di dalam tubuh siap untuk meledak..
Apalah namanya itu yang tercabik2 di dalam.
Kehilangan kendali atas diri sendiri..

Runtuhnya tembok-tembok pertahanan
Yang dahulu berdiri begitu kokoh
Seakan melucuti setiap helai benang yang melekat di tubuh.
Dia rapuh..

Rasa rindu menjalari tubuhnyai..
Di saat seperti itu,
rasanya apa pun bersedia dilakukan
untuk menghilangkan rasa yang begitu menyakitkan itu...

Tugas multimedia ngebuat layout website..
Have no idea what to do..
Huaa pr Operation Research, ada 2 nomor yang tak dimengerti pula.
What more can i expect^^"

Sepenggal kalimat dari horoscope di friendster yang gue banget:
The problem is that they take time, and, even when you've got time to spare, you're always in a hurry. It's just how you are.

Post berikut akan gue ceritakan lebih lanjut dech..
Sekarang time to go to bed:)
Doakan besok gue ga telat yahh pagi...
Bisa2 ga diterima ntar pr nya ...

...Baru aku tersadar betapa terbiasanya aku dengan kesendirian,
kesebatangkaraan, dan betapa canggungnya aku menghadapi perhatian,
meski dalam format sederhana sekalipun...
(Supernova - Petir. p.128)

Ouchh..ngena banget pas gue baca..
Meskipun gue ga berada dalam kondisi seekstrim Elektra *tokoh di buku itu*,
tapi in someway I feel the same.
Can you imagine what 4 years of being a single girl have brought?
Haha banyakk banget yang udah gue lewatin selama 4 taon ini.
Suka duka itu pasti ada..
Kalo ditanya lebih banyak suka ato duka nya?
Seimbang dech menurut gue...Thank GOD gue udah diberkati teman2 yang mampu mengisi sedikit celah2 kekosongan itu *Aminnnnn*

Talking about being single...
Seperti hal nya seseorang yang bisa menjadi kecanduan dengan obat2an terlarang,
being single juga lama kelamaan jadi seperti itu *at least buat gue*
Dari menikmati menjadi kecanduan menjadi kebiasaan.
Mula2 gue berpikir "I can do well without guys..."
Lalu tanpa gue sadari gue mulai menutup pintu hati gue buat makhluk2 bernama pria itu..
Lama kelamaan, gue mulai membangun berlapis-lapis brikade yang sulit ditembus.
Kebayang donk apa jadi nya kalo ada someone who offers me to be more than friends..
Gue mundur dan semakin tebal lah tembok2 yang gue bangun..

Beberapa hari yang lalu gue terbangun dari tidur di pagi hari,
dan gue menyadari kalo i'm on the edge of falling in love with someone.
I don't even know where to begin or how to explain why such thing could happen.
Entah gue yang udah lupa gimana rasanya mencintai seseorang ato emang begini rasanya,
tapi this time it feels really hurt.
Dan mulailah diri gue dipenuhi dengan sejuta pertanyaan berawalan "Kenapa..."
Kenapa di antara sekian banyak co, mesti dia yang meruntuhkan pertahanan hati gue?
Kenapa setiap kali gue inget dia, gue jadi bercampur aduk perasaannya. Sedih, senank, benci, rindu..You name it..
Dan banyak lagi "Kenapa.." yang muncul setelah itu..

At the end, gue ga bisa menemukan jawaban buat semua pertanyaan2 itu..
Kata seseorang kepada gue:
"Ya ga bisa lah loe jawab tuh pertanyaan cha. Being in loe is all about risk. Resiko kalo loe bakal sakit hati, kecewa. Tapi loe jangan lupa, di balik semua kemungkinan buruk itu ada sesuatu yang indah yang mungkin loe dapet. Kalo loe ga berani ambil resiko itu, you'll never know what you might have. Right?"
Well ada benarnya setelah gue menelaah kata2 dia..
Yaaa jadilah gue di sini sekarang,
mungkin sudah merasa jenuh dengan segala kesendirian yang selama ini gue lakonin.
Jadii gue putuskan, i'm taking that risk..
Tentang kemungkinan gue sakit hati ato apa..yaa let it be dech..

Huhh kenapa jadi mellow gini..
Padahal masih pagi2 di kampus..
Hari Senin pula..Lagi nunggu kelas dimulai jam 10 nanti..
Yaa kalau begitu, gue sudahi dulu kisah kasih ini;p

down
It is officially my count down to the very last second of the age 20.
I've been doing some thinking for the last one month about renewing my checklist..
You know..the list of "want to do things" for over a year..

It's getting harder and harder to accomplish what I wrote down in that list haha
This far, I've only managed to do one out of 9 things I wrote last year.
And that is : "Get over one of my ex-es" *LOL*
A pretty astonishing achievement for me, since it took me about 4 year to realize that he's no good for me *God bless me* haha

Satu hal yang bisa diambil hikmahnya selama ini :
Sometimes just wanting something is just not enough..
Semuanya butuh ketekunan, kesabaran, niat dan keteguhan hati tentunya.
Dan gue...tentunya kurang sekali tingkat dari hal2 di atas tadi.I'm a real dreamer you know..
SOmetimes I just wish upon a star for something to happen..*knock*knock* WAKE UP cha..

Soo my first goal for the next year is :
menumbuhkan semangat juang gue yang sudah lama hilank itu haha
Following that:

• Succeed in the 2nd round of Visual Gaming and Web Development
• Get a Job
• Take a chinese course (this time is for real)
• Throw a nice 25th anniversary for my parents
• Guitar lessons
• GRADUATE A.S.A.P *lol*
• Go to China
• Donate my blood for the very first time
• Finish my short stories
• Get myself a boyfriend? hahahhaa

(Di urutin dari goal jangka pendek sampe ke jangka palink panjang:p)

obat tetes mata
Kronologi kejadian yang entah akan menjadi bencana atau tidak..

"gilee mata loe merah banget cha" (agus)
"iya loh cha..." (nye2)
"iya nye. tadi gue kucek2. gatel banget nye.."

-Turun ke Student Service minta obat tetes mata-

Tepat setelah gue meneteskan obat itu ke kedua bola mata gue.

"Oh no cha...obatnya expired taon 2004" (nopi)

*gubrakkkkk*
Dengan gaya stay cool (padahal ga boonk panik bangetttt)..
"Serius nop? Yaa gpp dech ga perih"

"Hah??Koq masih ada di belakang sich..Duh cha..Sorry banget" (Kak Bertha)

Yaa itu dch sepenggal ceritanya..
Balik2 ke kelas dalam keadaan mata tetep merah..
Panik dalam hati tapi berusaha tetep tenank..
Haha orang2 sekitar dah cukup panik gitu..
Setelah beberapa lama, baru mulai perih matanyaaa
Akhirnya gue ambil aer anget di dispenser depan, trus cuci mata dech..

BODOH sekaliii gueee...
Ga cek dulu kadaluarsanyaa..
Terlalu percaya kalo orang2 di binus rajin ngecekin obat2 nya.
Jangan2 obat flu yang pernah gue minta dulu, kadaluarsa juga lagi..
Weqq...yaa pengalaman dech.
It won't kill buat ngecek huhh...

seorang manusia biasa
Mid exam...
Ga berasa banget loh kalo lagi ujian.
Besok ujian programming Distributed Computing,
despite of studying again for it,
gue malah bakal nomat malem nanti.

Kalo kata orang2, masa2 awal kuliah itu santai banget.
Makin ke atas makin serius belajar nya.
Teori itu ga berlaku buat gue.
Di awal2 kuliah, gue *pd banget* malah cukup rajin.
Yaa masih ada motivasi gitu dech buat belajar hal2 baru.
Sekarang di tengah2, bahkan menjelang akhir kuliah..
Gue malah bener2 keilangan motivasi buat belajar.
"Males banget sich loe cha sekarang!!!!", itu kata temen2 terdeket gue di kampus.

Gue menjadi begini by choice..Itu satu hal yang mau gue klarifikasi ke temen2 sekalian.
Bukan karena memikirkan hal2 lain di luar sana, ataupun mempunyai masalah2 tertentu.
Bisa dibilank, semakin ke sini gue semakin merubah cara pandang gue.
Lebih cuek..Lebih asal..

Entah kenapa, gue merasa lagi di ambang masa puber ke-2 *if such thing exists*
Kembali lagi ke titik nol,
nyoba buat discover apakah selama ini gue udah menjadi diri gue yang sebenernya.
Dan akhirnya, *seperti biasa karena kebanyakan mikir* gue jadi LOST..
Jadi bingung, ngerasa hampa 'n ga berdaya.
Buntut2nya malah bengong aja gitu dech.
Mungkin bener yach kata orang2,
ada beberapa hal yang tidak seharusnya dipikirkan.
Let it be aja..

I missed all those times di mana gue bisa merasa bebas dari belenggu pikiran yang terkadang menyiksa itu.
Aku butuh sebuah pegangan...
Akankah hadir lagi sebuah petunjuk di hati gue?
Hanya waktu yang akan menjawabnya...
For the mean time, I am still in the search..

an impulsive action
It is now almost the end of my mid exams.
3 more subjects to go for Monday to Wednesday..
*and here i am updating my blog with only one fully functional hand haha*

I realized that I needed a change in my life.
So yesterday when my friends asked me to play bowling with them,
I impulsively agreed *my mouth worked a lot faster than my brain haha*
And there it was, me playing bowling for the first time in my entire life


Result : my first ever strike, which happened on the last frame haha
and a really sore right-hand..
Is the ball really that hard? Is it me who haven't done a lot of sport? Or didn't i do the throwing correctly?
Well, it's not the second option for sure haha

Last message for today would be a shout out to some people:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Pujaaa... Jaa inet gue tadi dadakan down, maap yachh ga bisa ol dech jadi nya. Miss you so much nich ja. Sapa donk temen mencela gue skr hix hix Ja, find things to do donk. Jangan nge-game mulu..Masak nya juga jangan yang udah setengah jadi doank. Itu mah ga pure masak haha..Ntar pulankkk gue tagihh bikinin gue lasagna!!!!

Tommy...Tom, cia yoooo dl yang banyakkkkk haha kan akhirnya gue juga yang senank;p
Sering2 keluar rumah donk tom. Jangan ol muluu..Nikmati matahari melbourne haha

Vivi...Vi, you're without doubt the person who understand the most about me. You're always there for me with your honest opinions and thoughts. Don't know what I've done to deserve such a best friend like you. Keep on fighting on what you believe yach girl.

For all of you who are still fighting for something, if something are meant to be then it is meant to be. Don't give up fighting. It's the only way you could find out if it is meant to be for you...Cheers:)

kembalikan hatiku
dunia tanpa cinta hambar adanya..
tapi dunia tak berhenti berputar
karena kandasnya satu cinta,
akankah ia?

engau di luar sana,
bantulah aku
agar dapat kembali merasakan
apa itu mencinta
dan dicinta

aku bukan memimpi
kisah cinta seperti cinderella,
juga bukan menginginkan
satria berbaju putih
aku hanya ingin kembali merasakan
apa yang selama ini telah hilang

tetaplah hidup...
Manusia yang berkeinginan tiada batas.
Terkadang mengharap apa yang di luar jangkauan.
Kesempurnaan…
Kesempurnaan dalam pekerjaan, pendidikan, dalam cinta..dalam diri orang lain, dan diri kita sendiri.

Adakah sejenak terbersit,
bahwa segala ketidaksempurnaan itu indah adanya.
Ketidaksempurnaan itulah yang membuat harapan terus ada,
usaha terus bergulir untuk hal-hal yang lebih indah.

Adakah kita sadari,
harapan adalah sesuatu yang mahal harganya.
Karena berhenti berharap berarti berhenti merasa,
dan berhenti merasa itu ibarat manusia tanpa nyawa.

>>PrOmOsi aLbUm<<
Renee Olstead with her self-titled album..
Huaa lagu nyaa jazzy gitu..
Nice banget..ditambah suara dia yang menurut gue rada2 sendu gitu.
Ok banget buat didengrin sore2..apalagi pas ujan trus lagi berbaring di kamar sendirian.
Click here


Track Listing:
Summertime
What A Difference A Day Makes
Midnight At The Oasis
Sentimental Journey
Taking A Chance On Love
Is You Is Or Is You Ain`t (My Baby)
Someone To Watch Over Me - (featuring Chris Botti)
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - (featuring Peter Cincotti)
Love That Will Last, A
Meet Me, Midnight
Sunday Kind Of Love - (featuring Chris Botti)
On A Slow Boat To China - (featuring Carol Welsman)

An Ode From A Lover
Life is so unpredictable..
Just when I thought I've had enough,
there comes another temptation to have more..
One day I say something,
the next day it can bounce back at me..
I did what I'd never wanted to do..
I said things I didn't really mean it..
And after then, I can only stay in a silence,
questioning myself, who on earth have I became?

One once told me that love hurts..
I took those words and keep them in mind,
so that I'm prepared for every possibility in a relationship.
After being through some serious yet hurting relatioship,
I came to an awareness that
it is not love that hurts me..
It is my ego and my endless desire to having more.
I became a person who didn't appreciate what I've had.
And here I am now,
in the search of how i really feel about everything.

Maybe things happened for they are to happen in my life..
Maybe I left you so that I know what it's like to have love someone..
There's no excuse for what I did, and I'm not going to give you any excuses..
For what it worths, I can only say I'm sorry..
I'm sure you have found the love of your life,
and I'm so grateful for that..

by .X.O.

Java jazz is happening...
huaaa keren bangettt...
Kemaren gue ke Trisakti bareng Nye2, Yuli, Slamet 'n Cecep..
Pas nyampe dah mulai gitu dech acaranya, tapi tetep aja
kita sempet ngeliat yang namanya Jacque Mate ama Jeff Kashiwa.
gile dechh..ga boonk keren banget.
Gue ga kebayang ntar kalo di JCC gimana yach.

Jacque Mate, trio dari indo gitu.. (kalo mo info lanjut liat aja di web nya java jazz)
Musiknya jazz yang dikit rock gitu kali yach haha
gue ga gitu ngerti dech;p yang pasti gitarisnya mantap..
kalo drummernya sich cukup enak diliat *dibaca:ganteng* haha
Dia orang bawain sekitar 2 ato 3 lagu gitu.
Ada sempet bawain lagu Jimi Hendrix yang gue ga tau judulnya;p

Moving on ke highlight of the night nya
Jeff Kashiwa beserta bandnya *yang gue ga tau sapa2 namanya*
Pas dia orang lagi sound check gitu, sempet rada2 gerimis mengundang.
Untungnya pawang ujan nya cukup ahli haha jadi ga ujan lah;p
Di tempat yang cukup kecil itu *dan memank ga terlalu padat banget2*,
bisa muat:
jeff kashiwa, 3 orang pemaen alat tiup, 1 drummer, 1 keyboardist,
1 guitaris, 1 basist dan 1 orang pemaen perkusi (apa tuh namanya? perkusist? emanknya ada? haha)
Yaa keren dch keren..
Gue dah cukup speechless, alias ga bisa mendescribe rasa terpesona gue kemaren.
Pas dah kelar, gue 'n nye2 hunting foto gitu haha
Sayang sich ga gitu jelas hasil2nnya.. hix hix
Tapi it was really really nice loh..
Yukkk dateng besok ke atma.
Ada george duke, glenn fredly dkk loh:)

Ok..gue dah lama banget ga berkisah ttg segala sesuatunya.
I've been completely lost in my own feeling and my own thinking.
The more I thought about things, the more I found myself confused with the choices I had to make.
I mean..I knew that something was not right for me..It will eventually hurt me.
However, the more people convince me that I was wrong,
the more I tried to make myself believe that it was right.
Does it make any sense? *starting to sound like someone huh:P*

For this time being, I just wanted to take sometimes alone
Trying to figure things out..
What I really want..How I really feel..

218 - "Last Looks" Closing Narration
Narrator: A heart is a fragile thing. That's why we protect them so vigorously, give them away so rarely, and why it means so much when we do. Some hearts are more fragile than others. Purer, somehow. Like crystal in a world of glass, even the way they shatter is beautiful.

In a relationship, one of the hardest things to
do is saying goodbye and letting go.
It is as hard as breaking a crystal because you'll never know
when you will be able to pick up the pieces again.
More often than not, they who go feel not the pain of
parting: it is they who stay behind that suffer,
because they are left with memories of a love that
was meant to be, a love that was.

At the beginning and at the end of a relationship,
we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone.
Unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love
goes.
That's the drama, the bittersweet and the risk of falling in love.
After all, nothing is constant but change.
Everything will eventually come to its end
without us knowing when, without us knowing how,
without us even knowing why.
And we must forget not because we want to but
because we have to.

In letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but
in battalion.
It seems that
everywhere you go,
everything you do,
every song you hear,
every turn of your head,
every move of your body,
every beat of your heart,
every blink of your eye and
every breath you take
always reminds you of him.

It's like a stab of a knife, a torture in the night.
Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated
when only one person is missing.
Just imagine,
there are billion people on earth and yet it seems
you feel lonely and empty without the other.

I don't know if it's worth calling an art, but
letting go entails special skills sparkled with a
considerable space and time.
Time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part.
Acceptance plays a part.
Not all love stories
end with "...and they live happily ever after."

Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control.
We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others.
We have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains.
Every beginning has its end like every dawn has its dusk.
It's something we can't control,
something we had to live up.

It's over. He's/shes gone. B
ut life has to go on.
Goodbye doesn't always mean forever.
There will always be a place and time
where questions will be answered,
words will be spoken,
letters will be read,
poems will be recited in the night,
songs will be sung in harmony,
love will be expressed in solitude
and promises will be fulfilled.
Somewhere. Somehow. Someday."

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but
sometimes it is letting go"